Favourite Things - Happiness

I'm happy!!! Lol...It's the best feeling in the whole world. I've had to ask myself that question. What makes me happy? Ask yourself, what makes you happy?

For a long time my happiness was tied solely to people (friends & family), possessions (shoes, chocolate, etc) and disney...lol... Some people might say there's nothing wrong with that, but the truth is it's all about the extent of it.

Friends made me happy so whenever I was low or sad I'd go to them forgetting they were humans themselves. I'd overcrowd them, over burden them, love them too hard. After a while, they stop calling and avoiding me. So what did I do? Get sad and look for another person that would give me attention. But before I moved on, I'd keep on them until I got so hurt by their reaction, I'd back away but yet the cycle continued. Pathetic huh?

Family made me happy, I kept a happy exterior like everything was okay. Didn't tell them the truth about what I was going through so that they wouldnt feel bad or sad. 'Cause if they were sad I wouldnt be happy.

Chocolate, shoes, clothes made me happy. It got to the point that I had all kinds of shoes, clothes that I just got fed up. I'd go to a store sometimes and nothing would appeal to me because I already had something similar at home. When buying wasn't cutting it anymore, I resorted to sewing them to the point that I had an outfit to wear to church every sunday without repeating. Chocolate...well, I'll never have enough of that. But at a point I had boxes in my room and I'd eat one everyday to keep my spirits up. Not one whole box oh!!!...one piece.

Growing up, when my world was upside down TV was what made me happy. I guess that's where the love for disney also stemmed from. They always seemed so happy on TV.

Then when I came to my senses and started looking to God for my happiness, guess what I would do. Whenever He gave me something I asked for that gave me happiness, I'd question it and rationalize that it wasnt for me or it was too good to be true. Isn't it amazing how that works?

I was driving the other day to work with one of my friends and there was no traffic. You know what we did, we kept waiting for the traffic, wondering what went wrong that there was no traffic. We were like that until we got to work. You know how many mornings, I'd be praying for no traffic. Here we were, no traffic and we couldnt just enjoy it.

Another example is power supply. We hardly ever have constant power supply for 24 hrs. But whenever it happens that we have power, we wonder what went wrong with PHCN that we had power. Again instead of just enjoying it we rationalized that it was too good to be true.

How about us single people asking God for spouses. God brings someone to us that fits us like a glove and what do we do? Rationalize. He/she's not for me, I don't deserve to be with him/her, he/she deserves someone better, we go back to the types that are obviously wrong for us. Meanwhile what you asked for is right in front of you.

I said earlier that I tied my happiness to the number of friends I had. Well sometime last year, I realized I had friends that were actually making me unhappy and sorting through my friends and re-evaluating relationships really helped. There are some friends that I cut off completely, there are some that I don't hear from anymore but whenever they call I'm there, then finally there are the ones that I pray hard for. These are the ones that claim to be friends but really aren't. These I've had to keep at arms length so they don't jeopardize my happiness anymore.

After all these epiphanies, I finally came to the realization that I truly was the only one responsible for my own happiness and sadness. I started to move away from depending on my friends (God bless all of you for your love and patience, you know yourselves) and depending on God. It's hard but a wonderful place to be. Friends, family, chocolate, shoes still make me happy really happy but I'm at a place where if everything isn't "happy", I'm fine.

The one thing I need to work on is questioning/rationalizing when things go the way I wanted them to go. I always think that something would definitely go wrong instead of just enjoying it.

These past years since I got back have been great learning experiences. I've found out a lot about myself and I'm glad all this is happening now and not later. That way when the time comes for me and that special someone to take that step I'll be the best person I could possibly be and hopefully they'd be too...lol...

I know some of you are wondering when did this chick get so spiritual. Well, it's just the real me coming out I guess. I was in the wrong place in my life for a while, I got lost for a bit but now I've found my way back home and it feel's good to be back.

Next up, I'll tell you guys a little bit more about my friends that really and truly make me happy, the ones that could do now wrong in my eyes as a result of all the things we've been through together.

Until then, lotsa love, hugs and kisses. Muah!!!