Fearfully and wonderfully made

Hey guys, sorry I've been AWOL. You guys know the past couple of months has been a time of self discovery and growth. I also decided to fast to seek God to help me with a lot of the issues I had. Aside from food, I added facebook, blogging and talking to certain people to help me focus so that's why some of you haven't heard from me in a while. Well, I feel a lot more, a WHOLE lot more better than I did as a person. I'm over my hangups and finally able to move on from all the drama. It's been a hard journey to travel but it's gotten a lot easier to take meanwhile enjoying the sites as I travel it. I've learnt a couple of lessons along the way. One major one was knowing which doors to open, which ones to keep open and which ones to close - in fact weld shut. Lol...one of my friends added those doors you should bolt and run like hell from. But seriously though, some things I've come to realise are just not worth it. Some doors were easy to close, some were a lot harder but what I've come to believe is that no matter what the relationship whether just friendship or romantic, if it's meant to be it will eventually come to pass. Some doors I've left open and sometimes the closed doors open back up. Only time will tell.

I spent the last month going to weddings and looking at the people that got married and other friends that had been married and I came to the conclusion that I wanted to marry my friend. The other day I had a nightmare that I'd gotten married to someone but I wasnt really present at the wedding, just going through the motions. At every stage I was thinking that I had to stop the wedding from happening but didn't because all the plans had been made. Of course, I woke up and prayed against it from happening. That brings me to some of the things that have been adding laughter to my days...guys.

There are the guys from the past trying to make their comebacks and there are new guys. The one that sticks out from the past was one guy from '98. Yeah, that's right. We were really close then but I left for the states and we never really stayed in touch from then on. Well, he showed up on messenger the other day talking about how I need to forgive for whatever he'd done and be friends with him again but I couldnt and still can't for the life of me think of anything he'd done that'd have made me angry at him. He goes on that I was his first love and all and the least we can be is friends and what not. That who knows, we could make it interesting (whatever that means)...I don't know why people always try to turn the tables on you and make you out to be the bad guy.

A couple of the guys from my past at the time I was liking them say I made them think of marriage and it scared them so they kept their distance only for them to come telling me now that they wish they'd stuck with me and married me.

One of them just recently came to visit me. He's engaged to be married in December. Looked me in the face and seriously!!! said that he messed up cos he didnt want to abide by my "policy". H e wishes he'd just stuck it out. That he's not married yet, things can still change...lol...

Another one called me the other day, talk about he's going to be in town for business and pleasure, that can we should hook up. At that point I was just like, "Kai, I have suffered oh!!!".

As frustrating as it is to have guys that I liked, that walked away from me tell me all the shoulda, coulda, wouldas, it makes me feel good knowing that I was doing something right, that I wasn't the one with the problems.

Then there's the guy that took my phone number the other day at a friend's son's 1st birthday. We didn't talk oh!!! He just saw me and collected my phone number and dude has been professing love to me. We've spoken once on the phone and since I've been offshore we've chatted on yahoo. He's called my friend numerous times to tell her to talk to me and convince me about him. That he really likes me and all. This I find hilarious that all this can happen with someone you dont even know. Everyone tells me I'm too short with guys and I should give them a chance so I'm just going to go on talking to these guys and really curious to see what will come out of it. Keeping an "open mind".

As funny as all this is to me, it feels good to be appreciated on whatever level and chased, which really is how it should be. Guys nowadays don't feel the need to chase anymore, they go for the girls who know how to "play the game". Then a couple of months later they find out they should have gone for the girl that knew her worth and stuck to her guns. That's why there's so many broken marriages cropping up amongst newlyweds. This is now the girl's thought process,"I'm not really attracted to him in anyway but he has a good job, car, house and he wants to marry me so why am I being picky, I'll eventually grow to love him". Then the guys are, "okay I'm ready to get married" and they just marry whomever they're with at the time. It's not about the person anymore or seeing your future with that person,It's all about the timing - I'm getting old, I need to get married now. I've thought about it and I'm happy I didn't get married before now cos I just wasnt ready for that kind of step. The relationship I have with whoever I marry has to built on a foundation of friendship first because that's what we'll have left once the novelty of marriage wears of. It would have to be someone I can do whatever with, do all my favorite things with, someone that make me laugh, someone that appreciates me for who I am, someone who just lets me be me, someone I can see myself growing old with. I want to marry my "anyway friend" - an anyway friend is the one person in your life who no matter what they say or do, no matter what they’ve been through with you, they love you anyway. I used to be scared of marriage but now I'm not anymore because I know whoever I marry will be the "one" and whatever life throws at us we'll be able to overcome together.

These past months have got me thinking especially with the guys from my past trying to make their comebacks. I'm like this pair of shoes (of course) let's say Christian Louboutins. Everyone walks in sees the shoes and loves them instantly, sees the price tag and freaks. Some of them walk out the store and don't turn back. There are those that keep coming in to see if they've gone on sale, yeah right. But there'll be that one person that will walk in, try the shoes on and realise that no matter what they couldnt leave the store without those shoes. Eventually, "he", wherever he is will come to that realisation and decide that he didn't want anyone else to have access to me. And what makes me think I'm all that and a bag of chips, a pair of Christian Louboutins? I am wonderfully and fearfully made.

The Inexperienced Fisherman

Two men went fishing. One was an experienced fisherman, the other wasn't. Everytime the experienced fisherman caught a big fish, he put it in his ice chest to keep it fresh. Whenever the inexperienced fisherman caught a big fish, he threw it back. the experienced fisherman watched this go on all day and finally got tired of seeing the man waste good fish. 'Why do you keep throwing back all the big fish you catch?' he asked. The inexperienced fisherman replied, 'I only have a small frying pan...'

Favourite Things - Happiness

I'm happy!!! Lol...It's the best feeling in the whole world. I've had to ask myself that question. What makes me happy? Ask yourself, what makes you happy?

For a long time my happiness was tied solely to people (friends & family), possessions (shoes, chocolate, etc) and disney...lol... Some people might say there's nothing wrong with that, but the truth is it's all about the extent of it.

Friends made me happy so whenever I was low or sad I'd go to them forgetting they were humans themselves. I'd overcrowd them, over burden them, love them too hard. After a while, they stop calling and avoiding me. So what did I do? Get sad and look for another person that would give me attention. But before I moved on, I'd keep on them until I got so hurt by their reaction, I'd back away but yet the cycle continued. Pathetic huh?

Family made me happy, I kept a happy exterior like everything was okay. Didn't tell them the truth about what I was going through so that they wouldnt feel bad or sad. 'Cause if they were sad I wouldnt be happy.

Chocolate, shoes, clothes made me happy. It got to the point that I had all kinds of shoes, clothes that I just got fed up. I'd go to a store sometimes and nothing would appeal to me because I already had something similar at home. When buying wasn't cutting it anymore, I resorted to sewing them to the point that I had an outfit to wear to church every sunday without repeating. Chocolate...well, I'll never have enough of that. But at a point I had boxes in my room and I'd eat one everyday to keep my spirits up. Not one whole box oh!!!...one piece.

Growing up, when my world was upside down TV was what made me happy. I guess that's where the love for disney also stemmed from. They always seemed so happy on TV.

Then when I came to my senses and started looking to God for my happiness, guess what I would do. Whenever He gave me something I asked for that gave me happiness, I'd question it and rationalize that it wasnt for me or it was too good to be true. Isn't it amazing how that works?

I was driving the other day to work with one of my friends and there was no traffic. You know what we did, we kept waiting for the traffic, wondering what went wrong that there was no traffic. We were like that until we got to work. You know how many mornings, I'd be praying for no traffic. Here we were, no traffic and we couldnt just enjoy it.

Another example is power supply. We hardly ever have constant power supply for 24 hrs. But whenever it happens that we have power, we wonder what went wrong with PHCN that we had power. Again instead of just enjoying it we rationalized that it was too good to be true.

How about us single people asking God for spouses. God brings someone to us that fits us like a glove and what do we do? Rationalize. He/she's not for me, I don't deserve to be with him/her, he/she deserves someone better, we go back to the types that are obviously wrong for us. Meanwhile what you asked for is right in front of you.

I said earlier that I tied my happiness to the number of friends I had. Well sometime last year, I realized I had friends that were actually making me unhappy and sorting through my friends and re-evaluating relationships really helped. There are some friends that I cut off completely, there are some that I don't hear from anymore but whenever they call I'm there, then finally there are the ones that I pray hard for. These are the ones that claim to be friends but really aren't. These I've had to keep at arms length so they don't jeopardize my happiness anymore.

After all these epiphanies, I finally came to the realization that I truly was the only one responsible for my own happiness and sadness. I started to move away from depending on my friends (God bless all of you for your love and patience, you know yourselves) and depending on God. It's hard but a wonderful place to be. Friends, family, chocolate, shoes still make me happy really happy but I'm at a place where if everything isn't "happy", I'm fine.

The one thing I need to work on is questioning/rationalizing when things go the way I wanted them to go. I always think that something would definitely go wrong instead of just enjoying it.

These past years since I got back have been great learning experiences. I've found out a lot about myself and I'm glad all this is happening now and not later. That way when the time comes for me and that special someone to take that step I'll be the best person I could possibly be and hopefully they'd be too...lol...

I know some of you are wondering when did this chick get so spiritual. Well, it's just the real me coming out I guess. I was in the wrong place in my life for a while, I got lost for a bit but now I've found my way back home and it feel's good to be back.

Next up, I'll tell you guys a little bit more about my friends that really and truly make me happy, the ones that could do now wrong in my eyes as a result of all the things we've been through together.

Until then, lotsa love, hugs and kisses. Muah!!!

Favorite Things - Shoes

So I've spent enough time talking about SP&B's time to move on to another subject - SHOES!!!

So during my course I saw a pair of Karen Millen shoes on sale and decided when I was done with the course I'd get the shoes. Well, after my little episode I was bent on going to get the shoes, as shoes always lifted my spirits. Only for me to get there and they didnt have my size, talk about depressing. Well, what did I do? Only what any other shoe-a-holic would do, I wrote down the addresses of the Karen Millen Stores in London and was going to go to each one until I found the shoes. That was the only store in Aberdeen and they werent available online. So once I got to London, with my notepad and my trusty tube map I started my search for the shoes. I'd gone to three stores without any luck when I got to the Karen Millen section of Selfridges. The lady there was really nice, they didnt have the shoes anymore but she went online to check who still had. There were two stores left but neither one of then picked up their phones. At this point I was ready to cry. Then the manager of one of the two store just happened to be there helping out there temporarily. She came up and said she was sure they had one pair left in her store and proceeded to call one of the girls there and guess what...yup...they were size 39. I was so excited I told her to tell them I'd be right there. She said I shouldnt rush that they'd hold it for me till the end of the day. Yeah right, like I'd wait any longer. I went over to the store and the lady there told me that she wasnt aware of any shoes being held, I almost collapsed. I insisted that I was there when the manager told them to hold the shoes. She went to the back to confirm and came out with the shoes. That had to be my happiest moment in 2010 maybe even in a long time.

You guys are probably rolling your eyes, like how could anyone go that far for shoes? Well, it all started with my first pair of heels that my mum got me when I was 5 or 6. The were black with white polka dot kitten heels with a bow in the front. I just loved the sound they made whenever I walked. I pretty much wore those shoes everywhere. That's how my love affair with shoes started. Now my outfits start with my shoes. Most people get the dress first, I get the shoes first. I like to get shoes that are different cos there's nothing worse than wearing the same shoes as someone else. I usually start with the heel, I like them embellished, different colours from the shoe. I have a lot of shoes but still need more for my collection. I want to be able to have a shoe for every outfit for every occasion. Just in case...lol...

So that's it, just incase you havent already guessed...I love shoes.