Fearfully and wonderfully made

Hey guys, sorry I've been AWOL. You guys know the past couple of months has been a time of self discovery and growth. I also decided to fast to seek God to help me with a lot of the issues I had. Aside from food, I added facebook, blogging and talking to certain people to help me focus so that's why some of you haven't heard from me in a while. Well, I feel a lot more, a WHOLE lot more better than I did as a person. I'm over my hangups and finally able to move on from all the drama. It's been a hard journey to travel but it's gotten a lot easier to take meanwhile enjoying the sites as I travel it. I've learnt a couple of lessons along the way. One major one was knowing which doors to open, which ones to keep open and which ones to close - in fact weld shut. Lol...one of my friends added those doors you should bolt and run like hell from. But seriously though, some things I've come to realise are just not worth it. Some doors were easy to close, some were a lot harder but what I've come to believe is that no matter what the relationship whether just friendship or romantic, if it's meant to be it will eventually come to pass. Some doors I've left open and sometimes the closed doors open back up. Only time will tell.

I spent the last month going to weddings and looking at the people that got married and other friends that had been married and I came to the conclusion that I wanted to marry my friend. The other day I had a nightmare that I'd gotten married to someone but I wasnt really present at the wedding, just going through the motions. At every stage I was thinking that I had to stop the wedding from happening but didn't because all the plans had been made. Of course, I woke up and prayed against it from happening. That brings me to some of the things that have been adding laughter to my days...guys.

There are the guys from the past trying to make their comebacks and there are new guys. The one that sticks out from the past was one guy from '98. Yeah, that's right. We were really close then but I left for the states and we never really stayed in touch from then on. Well, he showed up on messenger the other day talking about how I need to forgive for whatever he'd done and be friends with him again but I couldnt and still can't for the life of me think of anything he'd done that'd have made me angry at him. He goes on that I was his first love and all and the least we can be is friends and what not. That who knows, we could make it interesting (whatever that means)...I don't know why people always try to turn the tables on you and make you out to be the bad guy.

A couple of the guys from my past at the time I was liking them say I made them think of marriage and it scared them so they kept their distance only for them to come telling me now that they wish they'd stuck with me and married me.

One of them just recently came to visit me. He's engaged to be married in December. Looked me in the face and seriously!!! said that he messed up cos he didnt want to abide by my "policy". H e wishes he'd just stuck it out. That he's not married yet, things can still change...lol...

Another one called me the other day, talk about he's going to be in town for business and pleasure, that can we should hook up. At that point I was just like, "Kai, I have suffered oh!!!".

As frustrating as it is to have guys that I liked, that walked away from me tell me all the shoulda, coulda, wouldas, it makes me feel good knowing that I was doing something right, that I wasn't the one with the problems.

Then there's the guy that took my phone number the other day at a friend's son's 1st birthday. We didn't talk oh!!! He just saw me and collected my phone number and dude has been professing love to me. We've spoken once on the phone and since I've been offshore we've chatted on yahoo. He's called my friend numerous times to tell her to talk to me and convince me about him. That he really likes me and all. This I find hilarious that all this can happen with someone you dont even know. Everyone tells me I'm too short with guys and I should give them a chance so I'm just going to go on talking to these guys and really curious to see what will come out of it. Keeping an "open mind".

As funny as all this is to me, it feels good to be appreciated on whatever level and chased, which really is how it should be. Guys nowadays don't feel the need to chase anymore, they go for the girls who know how to "play the game". Then a couple of months later they find out they should have gone for the girl that knew her worth and stuck to her guns. That's why there's so many broken marriages cropping up amongst newlyweds. This is now the girl's thought process,"I'm not really attracted to him in anyway but he has a good job, car, house and he wants to marry me so why am I being picky, I'll eventually grow to love him". Then the guys are, "okay I'm ready to get married" and they just marry whomever they're with at the time. It's not about the person anymore or seeing your future with that person,It's all about the timing - I'm getting old, I need to get married now. I've thought about it and I'm happy I didn't get married before now cos I just wasnt ready for that kind of step. The relationship I have with whoever I marry has to built on a foundation of friendship first because that's what we'll have left once the novelty of marriage wears of. It would have to be someone I can do whatever with, do all my favorite things with, someone that make me laugh, someone that appreciates me for who I am, someone who just lets me be me, someone I can see myself growing old with. I want to marry my "anyway friend" - an anyway friend is the one person in your life who no matter what they say or do, no matter what they’ve been through with you, they love you anyway. I used to be scared of marriage but now I'm not anymore because I know whoever I marry will be the "one" and whatever life throws at us we'll be able to overcome together.

These past months have got me thinking especially with the guys from my past trying to make their comebacks. I'm like this pair of shoes (of course) let's say Christian Louboutins. Everyone walks in sees the shoes and loves them instantly, sees the price tag and freaks. Some of them walk out the store and don't turn back. There are those that keep coming in to see if they've gone on sale, yeah right. But there'll be that one person that will walk in, try the shoes on and realise that no matter what they couldnt leave the store without those shoes. Eventually, "he", wherever he is will come to that realisation and decide that he didn't want anyone else to have access to me. And what makes me think I'm all that and a bag of chips, a pair of Christian Louboutins? I am wonderfully and fearfully made.